sore. im not a loser. my mind is not in the here and now. Im already lost ini in the atmosphere. Its so great to venture. drops of jupiter. its much more turbulent there, thunder is 56 times powerful. swirling wasp of gases. i seriousl dont know wahts happening, what i miss. what do i miss. i already dont find anything meaningful, its like really ive lost something. Theres really nothing more. dont take me for suicidal. i dont know la.
i can go teach red cross, contribute back...what else.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The tick tock of dread
its like slow and boring. YOu have time but dont know what to fill it with. Irritating freak shit. Ok lah its nt lk i totally have nothing. That wud be a deathnote. some exam topics for saturday class, pp report, but fuck need such a high commitment or concentration. Fucking poly life, empty promises. OKay also got some irritating errands to run. BTW why is all my music on gregorian, its on shuffled...its kinnda intuitive to my feelings or moods at the time. Seriously windows media player is so magical.
Its lk soothing the frustrations and turbulence inside me. But y create the strife at all. ANd i have been searching for answers ...and i figured them out, like flashes of insights. attunement..its like i just have to reach out to the infinite resources of consciousness.
now its changed, larger than life. just ytd, i read deepak chopra, philosophical, abt archetype, levels of existence, desires, intent, meditation.
Its lk soothing the frustrations and turbulence inside me. But y create the strife at all. ANd i have been searching for answers ...and i figured them out, like flashes of insights. attunement..its like i just have to reach out to the infinite resources of consciousness.
now its changed, larger than life. just ytd, i read deepak chopra, philosophical, abt archetype, levels of existence, desires, intent, meditation.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Beating me down
ok now im not doing it alone. hilman was the accomplice, you know had to settle at one of those blocks a woodlands and get down with the drink already, it is so tiring to walk around woodlands, distances are astronomical. So because of my insistence, influence somebody is downing his first foray of alcohol, beer ,vodka. First step solved , at least i dont have to drink alone, and splitting the cost too.Taking it to another level, ill have to follow some club-goer to accompany me.
anyway my gpa was a terrible wreck of unfortunate tragedy. accumulated by o.5 deductions ,can you imagine having 6average per 4 module , thats like minus 12. crazy . now i really got to discipline myself to being there before the fasci does or 914 a safe bet. at least better than people who come for 1 week once. i cant balk or despair cos its my lzy indulgent fault. just get b or a for daily grades, and b+ for uts...somehow retake those fucked up e+ fasci faulted modules. and maybe i cud end up with a 3 at the end of 11/2 years more. my chance at local uni i can fucked out, fuck my life, even those paikia losers can get 2.6/8....im a pathetic unsuspecting lamer.
maybe social events, gatherings, money and intoxication will make me feel like im not losing. which also mean i have to keep a part-timer like some people can. end of the day i dont want to be some ass-fucked loser who dont have an outlet to cast out my heart-ache, already what i imagined and ambitioned for writing and sport ig, cant even publish a single shit of my work...maybe my friend is right im such control-freak, i should just take things in stride, experience for nothing, maybe not what i imagined ,or always wanted, but i can get by...at least make something happen.
anyway my gpa was a terrible wreck of unfortunate tragedy. accumulated by o.5 deductions ,can you imagine having 6average per 4 module , thats like minus 12. crazy . now i really got to discipline myself to being there before the fasci does or 914 a safe bet. at least better than people who come for 1 week once. i cant balk or despair cos its my lzy indulgent fault. just get b or a for daily grades, and b+ for uts...somehow retake those fucked up e+ fasci faulted modules. and maybe i cud end up with a 3 at the end of 11/2 years more. my chance at local uni i can fucked out, fuck my life, even those paikia losers can get 2.6/8....im a pathetic unsuspecting lamer.
maybe social events, gatherings, money and intoxication will make me feel like im not losing. which also mean i have to keep a part-timer like some people can. end of the day i dont want to be some ass-fucked loser who dont have an outlet to cast out my heart-ache, already what i imagined and ambitioned for writing and sport ig, cant even publish a single shit of my work...maybe my friend is right im such control-freak, i should just take things in stride, experience for nothing, maybe not what i imagined ,or always wanted, but i can get by...at least make something happen.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
whats in ur head zombie
TUES
ugh i got into absolut vodka, was so bad i dont want to have it any sooner, probably chang or the normal mix is okay. the thing is i got sucked into these habit day by day. I am lonely and experimental, mainly i get rush when i cud buy those blackcurrant vodka or heineken beer. gosh ill still wanted to have it ,with a friends/ppl that wud agree to go pubs, clarkequay , boatquat whatever as long as i gt to be looney with people, wen i do that in the stairs, theres that longing emptiness for the warm fulfilling buzz of commotion,noize,lights, banter,atmosphere people....however the strongest 100 proof, proved too much fr me, i kindda implored for gods guidance. im pursuing this like nobodys business, only agreeing to the want of alcohol, its entice, temptation, drunken charm, without spacing it for days, on the right ,spot on appropriate days -like a friday ,but this ,i have to had on an odd day ,thurs ,monday even, thats like premature ejaculation and adding spit to the blues..the lingering upset of stomach, spewing.
Solution: call some accomplice, plan a friday night out, go to a designated tourist location , buy a bottle on a staircse of some exotic town hideouts. u nd to have a setting and occasion, IMPT PEOPLE. at least a soul can comfort u if u vomit, overlimits,or be entertained.
other than that relationship wise, thinking abt having a guy as a bf lk thats the worst thing i want to announce to myself, which has always been fucking not done yet just a thought, always a thought,i imagined him to be fair skinned, just those ah i hv good body for god has given me im lucky, enuf lah of descriptions , its reserverd to my private sanctuary- the mental image. ok ill give u a picture, -like an angel that has fallen from the sky bt pt it in the skin of an asian. seriously wad race wud i get ,
fuck then this very piercing thought intrude into my strawberry field , the sin and transgression that id wud hve done. but just nw i formulated and give fortitude to my gilded ivory castle of apprehensions that have always guilted, blamed ,burdened. Settled on landing, wic i wud thought a place like the cinema wayout secluded area was the most lofty idea to answer to myself.gosh hw cud i ever gain access to the place. so it came dwn to this="u had to try it, u are in ur phase, u will soon know if this is for u, u will learn. "
there were other things like the tabligh group-or bangladeshi originated neo-evangelist movement, ugh i must do the work of a dai, the exclusive, tailored, customized mentoring consulting targeeb attracted my mind about wanting not to shed light but to ask the elders, bt its realli too revealing.. i confess. bt the one with reliable experience friend ,i spoke to.
i managed to ask out ppl i cud ,shud hv talked and asked, im tired....
ugh i got into absolut vodka, was so bad i dont want to have it any sooner, probably chang or the normal mix is okay. the thing is i got sucked into these habit day by day. I am lonely and experimental, mainly i get rush when i cud buy those blackcurrant vodka or heineken beer. gosh ill still wanted to have it ,with a friends/ppl that wud agree to go pubs, clarkequay , boatquat whatever as long as i gt to be looney with people, wen i do that in the stairs, theres that longing emptiness for the warm fulfilling buzz of commotion,noize,lights, banter,atmosphere people....however the strongest 100 proof, proved too much fr me, i kindda implored for gods guidance. im pursuing this like nobodys business, only agreeing to the want of alcohol, its entice, temptation, drunken charm, without spacing it for days, on the right ,spot on appropriate days -like a friday ,but this ,i have to had on an odd day ,thurs ,monday even, thats like premature ejaculation and adding spit to the blues..the lingering upset of stomach, spewing.
Solution: call some accomplice, plan a friday night out, go to a designated tourist location , buy a bottle on a staircse of some exotic town hideouts. u nd to have a setting and occasion, IMPT PEOPLE. at least a soul can comfort u if u vomit, overlimits,or be entertained.
other than that relationship wise, thinking abt having a guy as a bf lk thats the worst thing i want to announce to myself, which has always been fucking not done yet just a thought, always a thought,i imagined him to be fair skinned, just those ah i hv good body for god has given me im lucky, enuf lah of descriptions , its reserverd to my private sanctuary- the mental image. ok ill give u a picture, -like an angel that has fallen from the sky bt pt it in the skin of an asian. seriously wad race wud i get ,
fuck then this very piercing thought intrude into my strawberry field , the sin and transgression that id wud hve done. but just nw i formulated and give fortitude to my gilded ivory castle of apprehensions that have always guilted, blamed ,burdened. Settled on landing, wic i wud thought a place like the cinema wayout secluded area was the most lofty idea to answer to myself.gosh hw cud i ever gain access to the place. so it came dwn to this="u had to try it, u are in ur phase, u will soon know if this is for u, u will learn. "
there were other things like the tabligh group-or bangladeshi originated neo-evangelist movement, ugh i must do the work of a dai, the exclusive, tailored, customized mentoring consulting targeeb attracted my mind about wanting not to shed light but to ask the elders, bt its realli too revealing.. i confess. bt the one with reliable experience friend ,i spoke to.
i managed to ask out ppl i cud ,shud hv talked and asked, im tired....
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Thank God Its Friday. a Good Friday
MARCH_APRIL 09/04/09
It had more to do with sleep-ins . And in reply , a stream of sms begging me to go back, more of a threat . CONSEQUENCES : be disowned,locked out [what is this 18th century Bugis fishing village?] its 21st century even 12yr olds had sex with a priest ,gosh diff topic .
I just realised i'm nt fully 18, yet 2 months to in-dependent......i make sure i buy a miniature statue of Liberty to commemorate my indieness fr dont know what, Indiana Jones?
Exorcism - i learned that i have a few unwelcomed followers..with one of them leading the rest...some learned doctor ,skills fr INDONESIA, told me that. the 1st left abit of traces, the first night i was disturbed ,knock at the door, cabinet vibrating, marble noises, it was so sick and unsettling. feels spaced out, 2nd exorcism it's sent to purgatory.
RELIEVED.
NO MORE CHEST PAIN, able to cut on smoking.
FACE WAS BRIGHTER.
Trip to Batam- haha it ended up so wrong. 1st- i didnt ask for their consent. who wud remember when you're happily vacationing. How i fall in love with INDONESIA ,ramblings day and night solicitedly, wish i had asked for $1oo, the 50 got lost.......so fucked out.
I GT A POLICE REPORT FR MISSING PERSON
the act hv the guts to locate me in BATAM..
What else .....MOSAIC CONCERT.....yeah. JUST LOOKING FRWD FR YEAR 2
alls well ends well, HAPPY GOOD FRIDAY to ye church-goers out there. me too gt FRIDAY PRAYER .
MUSTAFA CENTRE another jewelbox ,practically theres everything , tasted BENJERRY fr the 1st in 17yrs, ripped out the SIMPLE LIFE CD ,who cud resist that.
(IF ANYBODY has any knowledge where i can purchase SIMPLE LIFE DVDS ,pls leave a comment, your knowledge is deeply appreciated, become friends for life )
It had more to do with sleep-ins . And in reply , a stream of sms begging me to go back, more of a threat . CONSEQUENCES : be disowned,locked out [what is this 18th century Bugis fishing village?] its 21st century even 12yr olds had sex with a priest ,gosh diff topic .
I just realised i'm nt fully 18, yet 2 months to in-dependent......i make sure i buy a miniature statue of Liberty to commemorate my indieness fr dont know what, Indiana Jones?
Exorcism - i learned that i have a few unwelcomed followers..with one of them leading the rest...some learned doctor ,skills fr INDONESIA, told me that. the 1st left abit of traces, the first night i was disturbed ,knock at the door, cabinet vibrating, marble noises, it was so sick and unsettling. feels spaced out, 2nd exorcism it's sent to purgatory.
RELIEVED.
NO MORE CHEST PAIN, able to cut on smoking.
FACE WAS BRIGHTER.
Trip to Batam- haha it ended up so wrong. 1st- i didnt ask for their consent. who wud remember when you're happily vacationing. How i fall in love with INDONESIA ,ramblings day and night solicitedly, wish i had asked for $1oo, the 50 got lost.......so fucked out.
I GT A POLICE REPORT FR MISSING PERSON
the act hv the guts to locate me in BATAM..
What else .....MOSAIC CONCERT.....yeah. JUST LOOKING FRWD FR YEAR 2
alls well ends well, HAPPY GOOD FRIDAY to ye church-goers out there. me too gt FRIDAY PRAYER .
MUSTAFA CENTRE another jewelbox ,practically theres everything , tasted BENJERRY fr the 1st in 17yrs, ripped out the SIMPLE LIFE CD ,who cud resist that.
(IF ANYBODY has any knowledge where i can purchase SIMPLE LIFE DVDS ,pls leave a comment, your knowledge is deeply appreciated, become friends for life )
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
UPDATEs
Few months i dont write in blog = to a 100 years in Narnia.
we go by months ,so update on JANUARY
-end of Year 1, hooked on cigs.
-meet up with @Loud, plan fr chalet at DhobyGhaut''
century sq__istana park__plaza__mosque
- start of DPI, friend pulled into TABLEGH
the worrisome, the Tashkel at LONGJOHN Silver , Queen ELizabeth wave at MRT, TionBahru long wait ALAMEEN , Indonesian guy waving me, the HOPEFUL talk -Prophets work?-, The SLEEPing arrangemetns, Morning bath and AFFLICTION, Drifting bayan HIDAYAT, GelangPatah the mahabodhi TREETALK, maryam FOODSPREAD, the SLEEP, the HALF TIME JUNKIE, the VISIT, the AFFLICTION Boatquay, IFFRADI, ISTIMAI, Burning, Bayan WABSI,the HUGS.
- Jan 15 ? Class chalet
cant wait ur own arrival LETGO, wrong resort,the sending off, Mahjong skills, the CARDS, Oxidized foods, the Big Midnite Cycle, Lost Wallet, the PICS, MCDONALDS breakfast, the Taxi game.
-Jan 16-18 @Loudchalet
heres the dit. gd times, we were all themed up on SPECULATN. food preparation was plusshit to Khalis. had my fundgey choclate worked up, oh so sweet. the soccer match , the SMOKEY figure, and klukluxklanm, trip to OCH anti- ants and gays parking by, off the movie truck driver to pry on us, close shave of POLICEcorps van..the confrontment, the interrogation , my VOGUE photoshoot, the prankster on the doorknock,the last cigbutt offer, the ARABIC singing comedy. BLACKOUT rise shouts and delusions. stone hurling by guys. and the walk to CHANGI VILLAGE.
-the EUNOS work (halfcocked-rebroil-burst )
on FEBRUARY
-ev Thurs to mosque,
- alSYakirin
-ARTS HOUSE ,writes
philipine girl NO.!!!!!!!!!!!!, morning 174,tite green print shirt&sneaky washbord 3/4s. .
-RAudhah -Hang Jebat
onMARCH
-Weds/Sun Gash ....wavering,
-Webmaster fr online, FACEBK phenomenon
-MOSAIC FEST, CLUBBIN, GIGS
-
we go by months ,so update on JANUARY
-end of Year 1, hooked on cigs.
-meet up with @Loud, plan fr chalet at DhobyGhaut''
century sq__istana park__plaza__mosque
- start of DPI, friend pulled into TABLEGH
the worrisome, the Tashkel at LONGJOHN Silver , Queen ELizabeth wave at MRT, TionBahru long wait ALAMEEN , Indonesian guy waving me, the HOPEFUL talk -Prophets work?-, The SLEEPing arrangemetns, Morning bath and AFFLICTION, Drifting bayan HIDAYAT, GelangPatah the mahabodhi TREETALK, maryam FOODSPREAD, the SLEEP, the HALF TIME JUNKIE, the VISIT, the AFFLICTION Boatquay, IFFRADI, ISTIMAI, Burning, Bayan WABSI,the HUGS.
- Jan 15 ? Class chalet
cant wait ur own arrival LETGO, wrong resort,the sending off, Mahjong skills, the CARDS, Oxidized foods, the Big Midnite Cycle, Lost Wallet, the PICS, MCDONALDS breakfast, the Taxi game.
-Jan 16-18 @Loudchalet
heres the dit. gd times, we were all themed up on SPECULATN. food preparation was plusshit to Khalis. had my fundgey choclate worked up, oh so sweet. the soccer match , the SMOKEY figure, and klukluxklanm, trip to OCH anti- ants and gays parking by, off the movie truck driver to pry on us, close shave of POLICEcorps van..the confrontment, the interrogation , my VOGUE photoshoot, the prankster on the doorknock,the last cigbutt offer, the ARABIC singing comedy. BLACKOUT rise shouts and delusions. stone hurling by guys. and the walk to CHANGI VILLAGE.
-the EUNOS work (halfcocked-rebroil-burst )
on FEBRUARY
-ev Thurs to mosque,
- alSYakirin
-ARTS HOUSE ,writes
philipine girl NO.!!!!!!!!!!!!, morning 174,tite green print shirt&sneaky washbord 3/4s. .
-RAudhah -Hang Jebat
onMARCH
-Weds/Sun Gash ....wavering,
-Webmaster fr online, FACEBK phenomenon
-MOSAIC FEST, CLUBBIN, GIGS
-
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Positive change
oh fuck sien ,it gets more and more lazier to come at 9 everyday.
but with the mat' groupies are getting funner, though i know im still only practising to be in the circle (acolyte).
i tried wearing only skinny jeans, tight dark clothes, and sidesweeped hair. but has to change.
i know that soon we are not meeting anymr after this sem, but still looking forward to meeting them fr coffeeshop break.
doesnt see dont mean, we dont meet. yeah.
i learnd alot ,thought hw fun and funny to have a groupie.but now im learning to study my chosen vocation : Mass comm, i can still chong fr the gpa 3.0. to enjoy certain impt benefits.
Now im just raring to go for ---------> *Gigs, local band concerts
*Parties, social gatherings
*-talk to certain girls /boy
but with the mat' groupies are getting funner, though i know im still only practising to be in the circle (acolyte).
i tried wearing only skinny jeans, tight dark clothes, and sidesweeped hair. but has to change.
i know that soon we are not meeting anymr after this sem, but still looking forward to meeting them fr coffeeshop break.
doesnt see dont mean, we dont meet. yeah.
i learnd alot ,thought hw fun and funny to have a groupie.but now im learning to study my chosen vocation : Mass comm, i can still chong fr the gpa 3.0. to enjoy certain impt benefits.
Now im just raring to go for ---------> *Gigs, local band concerts
*Parties, social gatherings
*-talk to certain girls /boy
Thursday, January 1, 2009
HNY
Hah coundwn day was really sad. i was supposed to be in marina bay to see the fiewoks.but was praancing and the green field opposite woodlands civic centre, thee was 4 things layed out for me, (booze at khalis hse /help out astonomy Done/ the voluntee for the same party/meet muz at maina)
So this is the new years Resolutions, (howeve corny it sounds)
-get job and be steadfast at work
-get girlfriends/bf?
-get routine exercis
-get active in ORG
keep it to five. im sick nw
So this is the new years Resolutions, (howeve corny it sounds)
-get job and be steadfast at work
-get girlfriends/bf?
-get routine exercis
-get active in ORG
keep it to five. im sick nw
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